


In-Between Before and After

by supercalvin



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Gen, Grief/Mourning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-20
Updated: 2014-03-20
Packaged: 2018-01-16 10:22:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 988
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1343977
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/supercalvin/pseuds/supercalvin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>No one thinks how painful it is during the time in between the years when Arthur was alive and the years that Merlin waited for him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	In-Between Before and After

**Author's Note:**

> No one really takes into account what happened immediately after Arthur's death, everyone just skips forward a couple hundred years, so I thought I'd give it a shot.

“You should find someone.”

“Your majesty, please” The court sorcerer sighed like some just put a heavy burden on his shoulders.

“You’re lonely, Merlin. Don’t think I don’t see it.” She said as she sat at the table. It wasn’t the same table nor was it the same room that had once been the King’s, and Merlin was grateful she had changed the rooms. Merlin didn’t think he could bear to be in those rooms. It was hard enough just to be in Camelot, in the halls of the palace, in the throne room.

“I know it’s been hard. It’s been hard for all of us…” she trailed off.  Merlin knew it had been over ten years since Arthur’s death. To a foreigner, the death of a king should have meant barely anything to a servant. To people who knew that Merlin was one of the loyalist servants in Camelot, maybe a year of grieving would be sufficient. To people who knew Merlin and Arthur well, like Gwen, ten years would have been a reasonable amount of grieving, knowing that the loss would never fade entirely. But to Merlin, he could live on for hundreds of years and feel Arthur’s death as if it had happened only a day before. Even Gwen couldn’t understand that.

Gwen had mourned for years, and she thought she would never feel anything other than grief for years. But Camelot needed an heir. Gwen had married Sir Leon five years after Camlann. She loved Leon, but they both were in an understanding that a part of her would always love Arthur. Now the kingdom had a little prince, and the King and Queen could rest easily. Her son had helped Gwen find happiness again.

Though, now that Gwen was climbing out of her grief, she caught on to Merlin’s. It had only taken a year to lift the ban on magic and make him court sorcerer. He had distracted himself with affairs of the kingdom for the first couple years. He’d distracted his grieving heart with the mantra “For the kingdom I helped you build, for our kingdom, for our kingdom…”

“It’s been hard.” She repeated. “But you can’t live like this forever Merlin.”

‘Like this’ referred to Merlin’s uncharacteristic lack of emotion, quietness, and seriousness. Gwen had married and it had made the grief of Arthur’s death so much easier for her. She was lucky, he thought.

“I don’t have any reason to marry, Gwen.” He said, repeating his previous argument.

“That’s not a good argument not to marry. You’d be happy with someone to look after.” Merlin closed his eyes trying to ignore the wave of memories. He couldn’t take care of anyone else. “Maybe you’d have a daughter or a son.” Merlin left himself relax and opened his eyes. He loved Gwen’s son. He was one of the only things that made him laugh or smile anymore. The only thing that made him sad was that Arthur had never had a son. He thinks Arthur would have liked to have a son. He would have been a good father.

Gwen had been so patient with Merlin and he wondered why she hadn’t slapped him yet. She was the widow, not he. He didn’t deserve this level of patience.

He took a deep breath. “I love you, Gwen, and I will help you and this kingdom in every way that I can, but do not ask me to be happy. I appreciate that you care for me, I do…I’m” He looked at her for only a moment, but it was enough he knew, for her to see the tears in his eyes and the pain etched into his expression. “Please, do not ask me.”

Something about Merlin’s voice, expression, or words must have struck Gwen because she was quiet for a long time. Merlin didn’t have the courage to look at her again.

“You loved him more than I ever could. More than anyone could.” she said quietly. It wasn’t a question.

Merlin shook his head and urged her, “That’s not true. It’s not like that.”

“It’s alright, Merlin, I know.” She touched his forearm. “We both loved him.” She sighed. “I hate to see you sad, Merlin. You’re my friend.”

He smiled genuinely as he held the hand that was still on his arm. He looked down at her, “I know, Gwen. But I can’t marry, not how I am.” He said, referring to his inability to die. He had known ever since he exited the Crystal Caves of his immortality, but the implications of it hadn’t sunk in until after Arthur’s death. Just the idea of knowing he would have to wait more than a single lifetime for Arthur was enough of a burden on Merlin. He had told Gwen of his immortality after a discussion on his magic.

She was silent for a while. His immortality obviously hadn’t been a factor in her arguments for him to marry.

“I suppose you’re right, Merlin.” she said with a reluctant sigh.

“Thank you, Gwen.” He said with a sigh, knowing she had finally given up.

“When will he return?” Gwen asked softly. She had never asked him before. She had barely spoken of Arthur and his destiny, though she knew of it. She knew that their souls were bound, which may have been the reason she had been so considerate of Merlin’s grieving.

“I don’t know. When Albion needs him most. Judgment Day, I suppose.” he said apathetically.

“And you will be here.” She said, leaning on his shoulder, curling her arm into his. “And I don’t want you to be sad until Judgment Day.”

He let a sigh escape his chest. She still won all her arguments. He kissed her hair, “I will try to be better. I promise.”

“Thank you, Merlin.”

He shut his eyes, willing away the emotions of the memory that the words had revoked.

**Author's Note:**

> Wrote this really fast, so if there are mistakes, please tell me!


End file.
